Tuesday Tip: Parenting lessons from Jimmy Buffet

Sometimes it’s hard to resist admiring our brood in an admittedly annoying and self-congratulatory way. “They really are GOOD kids,” my husband and I tell each other with more than a hint of self-accomplishment.  And then, just as we start to get a bit too smug, we have a Saturday when we’re all screaming before breakfast followed by a Sunday that has us praying for Monday so we can get back to work and away from our evil spawn!

OMG, did I just call our dear children "evil spawn"?  Well, please forgive me but, last weekend, it really was that bad.  Ask the neighbors.  They will tell you.  They heard it all.  All of the screaming, yelling, crying and whining.  They were also witnesses when I packed up the car Sunday morning and said, “That’s it, we’re outta here!  We have to get OUT OF THIS HOUSE before someone gets hurt!”  Such is a lesson I’ve learned time and again.  When the going gets tough, the tough get going.  Going outside, that is.

Jimmy Buffet might have put it best when he sang, “Changes in latitude, changes in attitude.”  For most parents in the throes of toddler tantrums and general kid rebellion, a change in latitude isn’t necessary but a change in environment will do wonders.  Head to the park, the beach, the aquarium, the pool, the zoo.  If those seem too ambitious a plan, go for a walk around the block.  Really.  A simple change of scenery provides enough of a distraction for heated tempers to cool down.  The world outside is a wondrous place.  There are flowers to smell, birds to watch, clouds that double as creatures and creatures that I might pass by but the kids can’t help but notice… ants, spiders, even squirrels are fodder for the musings of little minds.

Getting out – near or far – opens your eyes and theirs to the world around you.  It’s a neat fix for the flaring tempers that occasionally erupt in all of our homes.  And, I suppose, when all else fails, Jimmy Buffet offers another solution… a little elixir called Margaritaville.  Maybe we’ll try that one next weekend…

Tuesday Tip: Establishing (and keeping!) ground rules for kids

School’s out for summer and there has been an unauthorized, not so subtle shift of power here in the Lyons Den.  In the blink of an eye and a few hot, muggy days, the kids seem to be ruling the roost and I don't like it. Not one little bit.

There are shoes strewn across the living room, clothes all over the bedrooms, popsicle sticks on the porch and lollipop sticks on the dining room rug.  On the rug!  To make things worse, my demands to pick up and clean up either fall upon deaf ears or are met with some combination of "No.", "Not now Mom!" or perhaps most infuriatingly, "What?  What Mom? WHAT? Did you say something?"

Well kids, yes, I have something to say: I hope you enjoyed your brief reign of power because it is over. Over!  And how, you might wonder, do I plan to reign them in?  By putting them to work for me. By having them think about, articulate, write and enforce our house rules. That's my plan and here they are:  

To begin, I had a quiet, one on one meeting with our seven year old, the leader of the pack.  I had a few things in mind. For starters, I know I'm always more prone to remember things if I write them down so, I had him jot down our family rules after a nice, calm discussion about why they are so important to the happy, healthy functioning of our household.  And, knowing that our little ones think he walks on air (and, in fairness, they've been playing a really great ongoing game of "school" where he is the teacher), I decided that he would be the one to present the rules to rest of the kids. Truth be told, we did it together to ensure there wasn't an uprising and, it's really too soon to tell if this approach is working but I have to say, we're off to a good start.  I didn't trip over any wayward shoes or misplaced toys as I settled in to write this and that, my friends, is progress.  Should you wish to read the specifics of our rules or perhaps adopt a few as your own,please read on...

• No jumping on beds:  Well, if you ask the kids to help write the rules, it's no wonder this is at the top of this list. They hear it a lot. Especially since our three-year old triplets recently made the move from cribs to beds and have been unofficially dubbed the "mattress monkeys."  For the record, it is "jumping" not "juping" but again, if you ask the kids to write the rules, you have to expect a few spelling errors! 
• No balls in house:  Pretty self explanatory, right? This is another one they hear a lot and I'm hoping they finally start paying attention to!  
• Be a good listener:  This is perhaps my #1 gripe.  They just don't listen.  But, in fairness, they pointed out that I'm not such a great listener myself. Looks like we’ll be working together to improve our listening skills for the rest of the summer. 
• Put away your laundry.  They can do this.  At 3, 5 and 7 years old, they are well equipped to put their laundry in their drawers. It saves me time, gives them a sense of accomplishment and is good for all of us! 
• Make your bed every day. See above. This is an age-appropriate task they can all tackle.  Especially since the triplets’ “beds” are actually crib mattresses on the floor.   
• No yelling.  If you look closely, this might be read as “Mo” yelling but, that is most definitely not the intention. I suspect “no” yelling is going to be a tough one – especially since I was reminded that I am guilty of excessive yelling myself. One more area of improvement for all of us!
• No hurting others (including feelings).  This was born from the premise that “hands are not for hitting”, “teeth are not for biting”, etc.  But, I applaud our little ones for recognizing that words can hurt too -- and that it’s important to consider and respect other people’s feelings.  Gee, it seems like maybe they are listening… sometimes, anyway!  
• Eat your meals.  If your house is anything like ours, you’re familiar with the whole “am I finished yet?”/“do I have to eat that?” routine.  Our response is consistently “you are finished when your tummy is full and there is no food left on your plate” and “yes, you have to eat it. It’s what we’re serving for breakfast/lunch/dinner and there are no substitutes.” Which, I’m kind of glad to see translates to “eat your meals.” If I could add “without complaining”, I would but, beggars can’t be choosers! 
• Put your dishes in the dishwasher.  Ok, they don’t load the dishwasher like I do but, let’s face it, NO ONE loads the dishwasher like I do. I have to remind myself of that and just be grateful they are clearing their places!
•  Don’t ask for more.  This is apparently how they translated “be grateful for what you have.”  We talk a lot about gratitude – for the roof over heads, the food on our plate, our family, our friends and our health.  I hope that one day it sinks in a bit more deeply than “don’t ask for more” but for now, I’ll take it! 
• Say your Ps and Qs.  Or, put another way, “please” and “thank yous.”  As in, “Kids, if you will please pay attention to these rules, I will listen more, yell less and promise to thank you for making your bed, putting the laundry away, loading the dishwasher and more importantly, treating each other and all you meet with kindness and respect."  

What are your house rules?  I'd love know -- especially since I know this is an imperfect and incomplete list... like most parts of parenting, setting (and sticking to!) the rules is a work in progress! 

Tuesday Tip: Lower standards = happier mom

Last week we had to get all five kids out of the house by 7:45 not once, but twice.  I realize that for some folks, this wouldn't be a big deal but around here, we're used to operating in shifts, especially in the morning.  The first shift belongs to Liam and Ciara and lasts from roughly 6:45-7:30; during this time, they are roused from bed, hastily fed and hustled out the door for the school day ahead.  Shift Two starts at roughly 7:31, when Kevin, Declan and Cormac bounce down the stairs, into their chairs, and demand some cereal with a lot of fanfare.

This two-shift approach works extremely well for us -- it's our solution to managing morning chaos -- but last week, on the days we had to get them all up and out for an early school play and class breakfast, all bets were off.  Despite our bad habit of routinely arriving places at least 15 minutes late (see my recent post about the 10:45 mass!), we actually got to the school on time.  In fact, we were even a few minutes early!  As folks straggled in, one after another said something like "OMG! I can't believe you beat us here! We barely made it out of the house and we only have two kids.  How did you ever get out the door so early with FIVE of them?!"  The answer?

We didn't feed them.  Well, we fed Liam and Ciara, that seemed only right -- especially on the day of the school play.  But our trio of three-year olds didn't have breakfast.  Sounds crazy, right?  But really, it's not.  We fed them eventually.  We knew that the 8:00 play would be over by 8:30 and indeed it was.  And our little fellas were at the kitchen counter with a bowl of cereal by 8:45.  Were they hungry?  Sure.  But,I assure you they were no worse for the wear by eating an hour later than usual and, on the upside, we were on time for Liam and Ciara's big days -- a rare occurance which didn't go unnoticed!

It was these experiences that led me to realize that I've lowered my standards.  Just a bit.  I have strong perfectionist tendencies that I actively battle on a daily basis but I think this admission of not feeding our kids breakfast is not only evidence, but potentially good shareable advice.  Relaxing your standards a bit just might make for a happier mom and I think will definitely make for happier kids.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating for having your kids skip meals, I'm pretty sure there's another mom in the press these days whose cornered the market on that one! (Here's a bit about that in case you missed it: Mom puts 7-yr. old daugher on diet).  In any case, now that I'm juggling so much at home and at work, I find that I'm accepting things I might not have before and going with the flow a bit more; maybe it's going too far to say that I've truly lowered my standards but, in the spirit of sharing, here are a few more examples I think you'll relate to and hope will give you a chuckle.

• Snot on sleeves: ok.  Snot on walls, not so much. To elaborate just a bit, I used to yell at the kids for wiping their noses on their sleeves.  Then they started wiping them on the walls.  Our house doesn't have a hall of fame; it has a wall of snot.  In retrospect, using a sleeve as tissue seems a pretty good alternative.
• Better late than never.  This applies to church, most social gatherings and thank you notes.  Speaking of which, I just found a pile of notes Liam wrote after his birthday in November.  If you're waiting for one of these, well, I'm sorry, you may be waiting a bit longer but I promise to make it to the post office before his next birthday.
• There are more than four (or five?) basic food groups.  The new one that we've embraced (though pre-kids swore we wouldn't!) is the group that includes chicken nuggets and Mac&Cheese.  This is a staple now and that is a-ok.
• Bathing is overrated. I'll give you that on some days, a bath is a requirement -- if there is mud, blood or an abundance of the aforementioned snot, a bath is a very good idea.  If not, well, there's always tomorrow.  And in our house, there's an excellent chance tomorrow might include mud, blood or snot!
• Life is not a fashion show. Though it pains me at times, I've stopped fighting with the kids over what they wear. So, if you see the triplets in shorts on a cold, blustery day or wonder if Ciara has gone color-blind or Liam only owns Yankee shirts, well, you'll know that they dressed themselves and I am giving myself a pat on the back for not sweating the small stuff.  Which is probably the best tip of all!

Tuesday Tip: Let Common Sense Prevail

Did you see the article in last weekend’s Wall Street Journal entitled Why French Parents are Superior,  by Pamela Druckerman?  It’s another cleverly timed, argumentatively inclined piece of prose (a la the “Tiger Mom”) promptly published just days before the release of the book that expounds upon this very premise, “Bringing up Bebe: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting.” 

According to the article (and I assume the book as well), there are five key tenets to French parenting success:

·      Children should say hello, goodbye, thank you and please.  It helps them learn that they aren’t the only ones with feelings and needs.

·      Whey they misbehave, give the “big eyes” – a stern look of admonishment

·      Allow only one snack a day. In France it’s at 4 or 4:30.

·      Remind them (and yourself) who’s the boss.

·      Don’t be afraid to say no.

Really?  Is it just me or do these seem more like common sense than yet another shining example of French superiority?  Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the French and will be the first to admit that as a country, they produce many superior products – wine, baguettes, brie and croissants come instantly to mind.  But to presume that they wrote the book on parenting?  I don’t think so.

I understand that today’s American parents can be, well, a bit crazy.  I’m one of them.  I have five kids – a seven year old boy, five year old girl and three year old identical boy triplets.  Take a moment for that to sink in.  It’s taken me a few years to be able to say “I have five kids” without stuttering.  I admit I occasionally struggle with parenting and have a lot of not so proud “Mama Moments.” It’s not easy.  It’s loud, it’s messy, it’s expensive and it’s exhausting.  However, I (in fact, we), never for a moment let our kids rule the roost.

Maybe it’s because we have so many of them that we’d be completely overrun.  Maybe it’s because we were both raised in stoic Irish families where discipline (apparently more broadly captured as “education” by the French) reigned supreme.  Maybe it’s because my own mother is a Francophile at heart, even though her maiden name was O’Brien and she married an O’Connor; when I was in fifth grade, she wore a green beret on St. Patrick’s Day and I swear I have friends that still talk about it.  The point though, is that my husband and I are raising our clan of kids the way we were raised.  We were expected to follow the rules, to be polite and to know our place in the family pecking order – which, until we officially moved out of the familial roost, was as the bottom.  For many families today, it seems the kids get a place at the top.  And this, no doubt, is why Ms. Druckerman’s book will sell many copies. 

For anyone who doesn’t have the time to pore through yet another parenting tome, I suggest you take the advice shared here to heart and start by reestablishing the pecking order in your home.  Parents first, kids second. You are absolutely the boss and you probably don’t need a book to tell you so.  It goes without saying that your kids should say please and thank you – not just because it reminds them that other people have “feelings and needs” but, more simply put, because it is the right thing to do and normal functioning members of society all tend to say hello, good-bye, please and thank you.

If you’re afraid to say no to your children, well, I suspect you may need another book altogether.  As for the big, admonishing eyes Ms. Druckerman recommends, that was called the “evil eye” when I was growing up; my mom had it, my grandmothers both had it and, as sure as the day is long (especially the days when I’m home alone with five kids!), I have it too.  The evil eye can stop a trouble-bound triplet in his track and elicit instant silence from my sensitive seven-year old.  It doesn’t work quite as well on my feisty five year old but for her, fortunately, the threat of no snacks – at 4:00 or any other time of day – tends to work just fine. 

So, there you have it.  This parenting stuff isn’t easy but, it’s not rocket science either, "if you just use the common sense that God gave you!" -- which is something I seem to recall hearing quite often in my formative years.  Today, my husband and I find that consistency is king, discipline is required and at the end of the day, after the tots are tucked in, there's no better way to unwind than with a glass of wine.  Possibly French wine -- which, in some instances, is most certainly superior.

Tuesday Tip: A Dose of "Granny Wisdom"

Note: this is NOT my Granny, although the "I told you so" look is recognizable!

After spending some quality time with my grandparents last weekend, I realized that there's a bit of what I like to call "Granny Wisdom" I'd like to share with you for this Tuesday's tip.  While we're talking about my Granny, please keep her in your thoughts and prayers today as she undergoes heart surgery... Granny, if you happen to read this, I "heart" you! Now, onto those priceless nuggets...

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.  This little gem is one I keep bucking at but really need to take to, well, heart!  For starters, consider our three 3-year olds, who are still in cribs. My husband and I have a healthy debate about when to move them to beds.  People have commented (more than once) "They still fit in cribs?!" But, here's the thing, they are HAPPY in their cribs.  Why take three happily contained tots and set them free to wreak havoc around the house -- morning, noon and night?! The solution? Don't. Leave them in the crib!

Another recent relevant example is our minivan.  The lease was up in December and in the midst of end of year mayhem at work, holiday mayhem at home and the typical chaos of our crazy lives, we decided to spend some time car shopping.  We seriously spent hours attempting to jam our family of seven (and 90-lb dog!) into a Ford Flex, Honda Pilot and several other mid-size cars.  You know what we ended up getting? Yep. Another mini-van.  The moral of the story?  Stick with what works and you'll save yourself a lot of time and headaches!


Tissues are like Amex -- don't leave home without them! Ever. You know what's neat about Granny?  She can be dressed to the nines -- silk blouse, sparkling jewels, pretty flats and a matching handbag and you know what's stuffed up that silk sleeve?  Tissues!  And you know who didn't have any on Sunday while several tots battled a winter cold? Me.  And you know who came to the rescue?  Granny! This is an easy one.  Keep tissues everywhere -- in your car, your bag, heck, even your sleeve!  If you don't, you'll end up as my kids often do -- using their sleeve (or worse yet, mine!) AS a tissue. Ew. Don't do this.  Buy stock in Kleenex and stock up for the season!

Say yes to treats.  So, there we were in church on Sunday.  It was me, my 90-year old grandparents (ok, Granny will be 90 in April but close enough!) and the triplets, who were behaving quite nicely.  Not a peep out of them.  I really wished that Des and the other kids were there to witness this angelic behavior but they were busy with another obligation. Suddenly I noticed a minty scent and upon closer inspection, realized that all three little fellas were happily sucking a way on a Lifesaver.  Granny had slipped them a sweet right under my nose... which couldn't help but notice the pleasant scent of peppermint wafting through the aisles.  She gave me a wink and mouthed "Why not?"  Why not indeed?

Some other tried and true Granny tips:

• Once your tot is off the bottle and into a sippy cup of milk, save it for the END of the meal.  That way they will eat the real food when they are actually hungry rather than being force fed when they're not.
• Speaking of which, don't force feed your kids.  I learned this lesson the hard way when I got a pile of regurgitated string beans in my lap.  They may not say it with words but trust me (and Granny), your kids know when to say when and it's up to you to pick up on their cues.
• Teach your kids their "Ps and Qs" (please and thank yous!)  at an early age. Really early. Before they can even talk.  Manners matter and it's never too early to start.

I'm not sure what other tricks my Granny has up her sleeve but, after raising six kids (five boys and one girl!), I know she has must have more. I am keeping my fingers crossed that she will share them with me when she's out of the hospital and back home where she belongs. And if she does, I will share them with you.  After all, that would only be polite. :)